Not Queer Enough

I don’t feel queer. I feel odd.

One can be queer in a variety of ways. I am referring to sexual orientation, and though I allude to gender I identity, I recognize they are two different things although one can be an identification for the other, as visibly gender queer people don’t fit the straight box from the get-go.

I associate queerness with edginess and a lived experience as an outsider. Now that I’m not a extreme Christian, I don’t feel alienated. I’m happy being female now that the definitions of femininity have broadened and aren’t as choked by benevolent sexism or certain cultural norms that I grew up with. When I am home alone, I do dress and present differently than I do in public, but I don’t think my public persona is inauthentic just because it is purposefully inconspicuous for white cis middle class moms. I’m not genderqueer (don’t most people feel like they are playing dress-up when they try and fit in regardless of gender?).

On orientation- people are amazing and beautiful in all sorts of ways, but every so often someone demonstrates a kind of thoughtfulness, intelligence, energy, and has a certain chemical signal … A sort of strange familiarity that isn’t familial.  Of the people I have experienced sexual attraction to, most but not all are guys. Technically, that makes me bisexual.

Is it internalized homophobia that makes me uncomfortable with that label? Is it that I think I need to fit a certain stereotype and should have purple hair, one half of my head shaved, and a steady super romantical girlfriend to gain bisexual status?  Does my identifying with bisexuality take away from others who are more genderfluid and who are closer to 50-50 of being attracted to their own gender and others? I don’t face the same stigma they do. I do feel relief when someone validates that part of me, even though it isn’t a huge part, but why? Just a sense of belonging?