Aspie?

Apologies.  The following post is really self-centered.  But I’m really excited!

Looks like I’m likely an Aspie.  A chart!  That follows the colour spectrum!

Aspie Chart

Since ‘coming out’ as potentially Aspie, I’ve been told that it runs in my family, that I have a few relatives with AS and a lot more with the same symptoms.
This probably helps explains why I took Christianity so seriously while other people I grew up with didn’t seem as affected.

I don’t have a phobia of malls, I am just hypersensitive to stimuli.

I’m not a scaredy cat, I just react intensely to unexpected touch or sound.

I’m not a social idiot, I just read signals differently and react to the energy people give off instead of the words they say.  Someone will smile and say they are fine but I feel this intense need to give them a hug or run away and cry so I freeze because I can’t react to them as if they are fine.  I take people literally and often don’t associate the discrepancy between what I’m hearing and what I’m feeling to them – why would they lie?- and blame myself for the confusion I feel.  I come off as awkward and stilted because I’m frustrated that socializing seems to be a game and I don’t know the rules.  Good thing I didn’t grow up in a sarcastic family 🙂

I’m not an immature rebel.  I just don’t see the point in following rules or procedures that don’t make sense and I see other ways of getting things done.

I will probably always fixate on a few topics and be more fascinated by them than the general population.  It doesn’t mean my brain is like a scratched CD, looping and looping.  Its ok.  People aren’t forced to read all the articles on rape culture I post to FB.

I’m not lazy because I wear comfortable clothes, I’m just sensitive to touch and uncomfortable clothing drives me crazy.

I will never find the magical purse or high heeled shoes that will make me feel like a powerful woman.  Never.  So I can stop feeling obliged to pretend to look for them.  I will always prefer to go barefoot than wear ridiculous shoes and I will keep losing bags that aren’t strapped onto my body, bike or stroller.   My brain just doesn’t appreciate impractical and painful status items.

I’m smart but I can stop feeling like I’ve failed because I haven’t yet found the way to use my intellect and passions for paid work.

I’m not a bad mother because when I’m really focusing on something I don’t even notice the child beside me screaming that she has to go pee.

All those OCD tendencies I have that I used to feel so guilty about really are about self-soothing, not some masochistic tendency to destroy myself.

I likely don’t have a mental illness.  I’m not broken but I do have a more active prefrontal cortex than many people.

Just like when I accepted that Christianity was not what I thought it was, the world seems bigger and brighter.  I feel more free, and yes- like dancing!

 

3 thoughts on “Aspie?

  1. TWF says:

    Congratulations on loving and accepting yourself even more! 🙂

  2. jen says:

    I love this post. I’m not an Aspie (although I probably land on the scale somewhere. I do a lot of the same things that you talked about here.) I just think it feels great to love and accept yourself and stop trying to be someone that you aren’t…

    I also have found that so many things that some see as a weakness are a strength in other areas. My hyper-sensitivity makes it hard to be in big crowds, but it also makes me more aware of the feelings of the people I love. I can support them in a way that most can’t.

    Yay for the freedom of loving you!

  3. prairienymph says:

    Thanks WF and jen. I don’t know if I am technically Aspie either, but I reading about it is really helpful.
    Jen, your hyper-sensitivity probably makes you more attuned with animals.

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