Apologies. The following post is really self-centered. But I’m really excited!
Looks like I’m likely an Aspie. A chart! That follows the colour spectrum!
Since ‘coming out’ as potentially Aspie, I’ve been told that it runs in my family, that I have a few relatives with AS and a lot more with the same symptoms.
This probably helps explains why I took Christianity so seriously while other people I grew up with didn’t seem as affected.
I don’t have a phobia of malls, I am just hypersensitive to stimuli.
I’m not a scaredy cat, I just react intensely to unexpected touch or sound.
I’m not a social idiot, I just read signals differently and react to the energy people give off instead of the words they say. Someone will smile and say they are fine but I feel this intense need to give them a hug or run away and cry so I freeze because I can’t react to them as if they are fine. I take people literally and often don’t associate the discrepancy between what I’m hearing and what I’m feeling to them – why would they lie?- and blame myself for the confusion I feel. I come off as awkward and stilted because I’m frustrated that socializing seems to be a game and I don’t know the rules. Good thing I didn’t grow up in a sarcastic family 🙂
I’m not an immature rebel. I just don’t see the point in following rules or procedures that don’t make sense and I see other ways of getting things done.
I will probably always fixate on a few topics and be more fascinated by them than the general population. It doesn’t mean my brain is like a scratched CD, looping and looping. Its ok. People aren’t forced to read all the articles on rape culture I post to FB.
I’m not lazy because I wear comfortable clothes, I’m just sensitive to touch and uncomfortable clothing drives me crazy.
I will never find the magical purse or high heeled shoes that will make me feel like a powerful woman. Never. So I can stop feeling obliged to pretend to look for them. I will always prefer to go barefoot than wear ridiculous shoes and I will keep losing bags that aren’t strapped onto my body, bike or stroller. My brain just doesn’t appreciate impractical and painful status items.
I’m smart but I can stop feeling like I’ve failed because I haven’t yet found the way to use my intellect and passions for paid work.
I’m not a bad mother because when I’m really focusing on something I don’t even notice the child beside me screaming that she has to go pee.
All those OCD tendencies I have that I used to feel so guilty about really are about self-soothing, not some masochistic tendency to destroy myself.
I likely don’t have a mental illness. I’m not broken but I do have a more active prefrontal cortex than many people.
Just like when I accepted that Christianity was not what I thought it was, the world seems bigger and brighter. I feel more free, and yes- like dancing!