I will be OK

Depression is starting to wriggle into my brain again.  I haven’t had very many down days in a row for a long time.  This past week my brain is falling into its old familiar habits of repeating all my failures.  However, my list of ‘sins’ is shorter now.

– I’m annoying, I hate how I am always attracted to social justice issues and how I feel the need to inform other people.  I see myself as preachy, annoying, a downer, and maybe guilt-tripping.

But then the part of me that doesn’t want to give up asks why I am so disgusted with myself for caring about social justice?  Is that so bad?  Maybe I’m just an awkward person who gives a shit but doesn’t know the best ways to make a positive change…  that is forgiveable, right?

– I feel like I’m a whiner, that I frame myself as a victim and a helpless object that stuff just happens to.   Why can’t I see myself as strong or capable?  Why do I feel so guilty if I allow competence?  Why do I feel safer viewing myself as passive?  I don’t really like feeling sorry for myself, but the alternative seems frightening.

Again, can I give myself a break?  Maybe if I stop focusing on my failures I could grow a little here.

– I tell myself that I’m not a good mom.  I either spend too much time and attention on my kids, or I feel like I’m neglecting them.  Either I’m feeling bad that my 5 year old wants me to wipe her bum or frustrated that my 2 year old doesn’t want me to and tries to run away.

Then I tell myself that the perfect mom does not exist.  Its ok.  My kids will be OK.  I will be OK. http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2012/03/i-hate-the-mommy-wars.html#comment-8013

– I also question my right to be alive, to take up resources and space.  What right do I have to be here?  Have I earned my place?

Of course, I don’t question anyone else’s right to life.  So, why do I belong in a different category?

I am dealing with these thoughts so much better than I did before!  I will be OK.

10 thoughts on “I will be OK

  1. Ahab says:

    It sounds like you’ve cultivated mindfulness about your depression, in that you can distinguish what is rational from what is the depression talking. I wish you strength!

  2. You know what? I think you’ll be OK too. You’ll figure out the right you for you. My only advice would be to pause a moment when such thoughts to you, and take five, long, slow, deep breaths before you continue on. Sometimes it’s amazing how much a little pause can do for you. At least I think so.

  3. donnabanta says:

    I think that depression must be part of a responsible and self-aware person’s life. It’s part of our sense of fairness to question whether we are deserving or not. — Since when does a narcissist ask him/herself that?

    The key is to recognize the source. I think you will be okay too. 🙂

  4. donnabanta says:

    Ditto. I think you will be okay too. You have the self awareness to recognize the source of your depression.

    How’s the weather where you are? If it’s nice, being outside can work wonders. If it’s not, realize that Spring is here, and the sun will come out soon. 🙂

  5. ... Zoe ~ says:

    There are two many years between us for me to be your twin, but you sound so much like me . . . but you are getting your start earlier than I did in sorting through it all. We’ve (women) been fed a message that we don’t, won’t and can’t measure up. We absorbed it in our homes, in our churches and in our culture. When you decide to take that apart and recover a sense of health and wellness in regard to the self, it’s very difficult. Some of us struggle with having compassion for ourselves. We fear that we are selfish, stupid, sexless, stagnant etc.. Yet, if I came up to your or your neighbour or even a perfect stranger and she said to you what you just wrote to us, you’d have compassion for her . . . so why not for yourself? Not easy to do but continue on and when you note your depression, maybe it’s more of a grief or a sorrow you are sensing and not clinical depression. More of an episodic moment of depression that kind of comes up when we are digging deep and changing our minds about life-long beliefs and patterns. In other words, maybe a bit of depression is to be expected considering all you have been through? Ahab wishes you strength and I see it. It won’t come all at one but one step at a time and even when you find you’ve lost the momentum, don’t beat yourself up. You wouldn’t chastize me for it.

    I burned out on social justice issues because at the core of my being, though I did have strength I was also very sensitive. I advocated and mediated at length for many but I lost myself in the process, melting away like the witch in the Wizard of Oz.

    If you can get through five deep breaths as The Wise Fool encouraged do it! Stand up and change position. Make a tea. Move. Stretch. If you can take another five deep breaths, do it. When we are depressed, when we are sad, when we are caught between a rock and a hard place, when we self-deprecate we breath in a shallow way. It’s not good.

    I am here and you can email me any time.

  6. ... Zoe ~ says:

    I browsed that book heavily in a book store in Florida this year. I didn’t buy it as I think I know it. :mrgreen: I don’t mean that in a arrogant know-it-all way but lets just say it runs in the family. I did read books on the topic during my Christian years, mostly in an effort to help a sibling and in doing so I saw some common characteristics generationally.

    Today, my concern is that some people who are clinically mentally ill are being diagnosed as highly-sensitive people and taken off their medications. I have one family member who this has happened to this year and it’s now been several months and her mental health is slipping again. Is so tough when as a family member you have more experience with said family member than a new psychiatrist who doesn’t know all the backstory. When a new doctor says to their new patient: (Paraphrasing here): ‘I don’t think you have mental illness at all. I think you are just one of those highly-sensitive people and don’t need your medication. You’re like me.’ When I hear that, and that’s what I heard, all I could think is: Oh no, that can’t be good.

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