Flowers and Cliffs

A coworker brought me flowers last week (she regularly buys flowers for people). My lover realized that he had never brought me flowers. Unless you count edible wildflowers we found on walks. Of course, he never bought me flowers because he is actually grows poppies, marigolds, yarrow and more. (Besides, many bought flowers use enough pesticides to contribute to long-term health problems to workers.)

Of course, my ex did love ‘romantic’ gestures. These generally creeped me out. He spent hours making me CDs with mushy love songs. He loved to sneak into my living space and decorate it with candles and hearts. He made magazines mimicking celebrity mags with our faces on them and cute little articles about how we had been spotted together. Usually this involved putting my face on Jennifer Lopez’ body. His nickname for me was J-llo because he said I jiggled with I ran. Somehow I could never convince him this was not flattering.

He would sing me songs. I don’t mind people writing me poems or singing me songs but they have to be either sincere, witty, or sarcastic. Sappy songs annoy me. I have nothing against being sincerely sweet, but these songs seemed as genuine as Cool-Whip.

I felt bad that I did not appreciate this romantic guy. It was my fault for being: cold-hearted, unrealistic, unappreciative, unresponsive…  The problem was that when I did not react the way I was supposed to- gooey admiration – I was wrong.  I was supposed to love these gestures whether I liked them or not.  He either did not know what I really liked or did know but disapproved and tried to change me.

That is one of the biggest gifts my lover gives me: seeing who I am and appreciating me.

He also occasionally brings me olives or finds an unexplored bike route with sandstone cliffs.

7 thoughts on “Flowers and Cliffs

  1. The Wise Fool says:

    Ha, it sounds like we would have been horrible for each other. I often give my wife romantic gestures, and I love Cool Whip! On the other hand, I do love sharing a good unexplored trail. 🙂

  2. One of the things I love about Tanya is she appreciates romantic gestures and is very romantic. I feel very loved by her.

  3. prairienymph says:

    It was not the general stuff my ex did that I objected to. My lover does write me poems and I do things for him too. What creeped me out most about my ex’s behaviour was that I was not part of it. He pretended he was doing all this stuff for me, but he did not even care what music I actually liked when making CDs. Adam Sandler’s “I want to grow old with you” I find more romantic than Disney’s “So this is Love”.
    It is one thing to find someone who shares the same taste in whipped cream, humour and romantic gestures, but another to make someone feel like a defective person for being different.

    • The Wise Fool says:

      Those kinds of gestures do ring hollow when other actions trample all over everything else. I’m glad you’ve got a better match now!

  4. Ahab says:

    The ex’s romantic gestures sound so … stereotypical. It’s as if he lifted them from magazines or mushy romance movies instead of his own imagination.

    Olives rock, so therefore your lover rocks.

  5. Those romantic gestures are stereotypic because they ARE romantic. Some advice. If a man buys flowers for the woman he loves and has them flung in his face enough times, literally or figuratively, he will at some point find a woman to buy flowers for who appreciates them because he wants to buy flowers for someone. Maybe instead of worrying so much about who you are and what you like, you should listen to what he is saying with his gestures about what he likes and perhaps is not getting.

  6. prairienymph says:

    Wow, Blog Fodder. Wow. You are reacting as if I criticized you. The point of my musings was not to critique whether certain actions were or were not romantic. The point was that for something to be romantic, it must be a sincere gesture of appreciation towards someone, not a critique of how they are defective.
    If someone buys me flowers and then yells at me for not swooning at his feet, that is NOT romantic. If someone takes the time to find out what flowers I like and brings them to me to say he or she was thinking about me, that is romantic. It is not the act, it is the meaning behind it.
    My ex was not getting what he wanted from me because that involved me not being myself. I tried being the person he wanted me to be, but I was not that person. It was destroying my soul to fit into his ideal.
    My ex did find someone who appreciated his gestures. I am so glad for him! But what I needed was not empty gestures that mimic romance- I needed to be allowed to be me and not told who I should be. I can give my lover what he needs because he does not try and erase who I am and replace it with his dream woman.
    Yes, I could have bought my ex flowers. Maybe he needed them. However, I was spending too much emotional energy in believing what he said about me being a horrible person who did not have the capacity to love or care about people to be stereotypically romantic.

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