I am slowly letting myself be angry. Bit by bit.
And it is terrifying!
Just like crying, I am afraid that once I truly let loose I will never be able to stop. I must maintain complete control or I will have no control ever again.
This I got from my parents. My mother’s bipolar ensured that her anger would explode all over the place. She really had no control during mania. Loud noises still spook me.
My father has excellent emotional control. I knew he was really upset when he got quiet. Of course, he was also quiet when happy, sad, thoughtful or vacant. We share a common fear that we will need to yell to save someone’s life but won’t be able to make a sound!
I am afraid to know where to direct my anger. Is it ok to be mad at people? People you love? People you’ve been taught to revere? People who by their positions of power could have tremendous influence and yet choose to uphold damaging traditions?
I can be mad at myself. That is acceptable and comfortable. Many forms of self-abuse were praised at my old church and that is what happens when I direct my anger to me.
I’ve always admired people who can get mad, do something about it, and then get over it.
I am afraid that I won’t be like that- I am afraid I’ll just get bitter and mean. Angry men can hurt things but angry women … what?
Where did I get the idea that women can’t be trusted with anger. Angry women must be shut down immediately so that they don’t turn into nasty bitches.
Some of my guy cousins are just angry all the time. (Not on your side, BF) But if I show anger back I am ridiculed and patronized.
Hey, that makes me mad 🙂