Headship and Submission or How to Poison a Marriage

I was telling my husband about a blog I had read from a former Quiverful* woman.  She said that her former husband started out as a loving man but gradually, church teachings redefined what it meant for a man to love his wife.  Love became Rule.  

I married a man who respects women and will defend them without expecting tribute for it. 

He told me that he found the same thing as happened to that woman’s husband starting to happen to him.  He said that he was beginning to feel resentful towards me.  For example, if the table wasn’t wiped immediately after I finished packing his lunch, he would condescend to help me in my work.  But he felt as if he were doing me a favour that he shouldn’t have to do.

He said that he was beginning to feel entitled.  He recognized this, and fought against it.  But it was there.

He said that since leaving that church he rarely struggles with those thoughts and feelings.

I also am losing the guilt for not being a good enough servant  (I always rejected that notion intellectually, but the attitudes still sneak in.)   When he walks in the door I am less defensive about my own ‘inadequacies’, and more excited to see him. 

I see him less as an authority figure that I owe and must work hard to please.   And more of an exciting partner that I enjoy and want to make happy.

* http://nolongerquivering.com/what-is-quiverfull/

3 thoughts on “Headship and Submission or How to Poison a Marriage

  1. And more of an exciting partner that I enjoy and want to make happy.

    Isn’t that what a good marriage is supposed to be? This master-servant (doormat) stuff does nothing to make a good marriage.

  2. No, it hurts marriages. It was just scary for me to see how something I didn’t agree with still affected us.
    It is also scary to see my two youngest brothers going deeper into this ideology. The youngest ‘diagnosed’ his sister-in-law’s deep fear of others controlling her as a cry “for a man to take charge of her”. As if that would fix her.

  3. Ahab says:

    Relationships are always healthier when partners see each other as people rather than roles. I’m delighted that you and your husband have resisted the prior conditioning you received, choosing instead to respect each other and forge a happy relationship.

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