If my husband orgasms and I don’t, I feel virtuous.
If I climax and he doesn’t, I feel guilty of selfishness.
And frustrated, which later turns to anger.
But, I cannot direct my anger at my husband for listening to me when I imagine him too tired- that would be unfair.
I cannot direct my anger at myself for being too passive- that would require action and change.
So I get angry at myself for needing anything in the first place.
And I take it out on myself, telling myself I shouldn’t need anything. And I take it out on my kids, being irritable when they need gentleness.
He says, ” What do you need? Just ask, I’m here for you.”
But I am too afraid.
Too afraid of being selfish for asking.
What if I ask for too much? Would he resent me? Would I be a bad woman?
On the other hand…
What if I admitted I had needs. And let someone help me.
Would I be a better person? Would I have more to give? Could I be a better mom? Or maybe I’d just be happier with no direct benefit to anyone else.
But what if meeting my needs means someone else has to sacrifice? Would I become more selfish, demanding my own desires be met above others? Would someone else go without?
I am more comfortable being the one sacrificing. It feels more noble. I have the illusion of being a generous, ‘good’ wife and mother.
Instead of seeing myself as a timid frustrated woman in denial of desiring what I consider unnecessary.
But really, there are a lot of things I need and pretending I don’t won’t make them go away.
Its ok not to be a robot 🙂