I have needs?

If my husband orgasms and I don’t, I feel virtuous.

If I climax and he doesn’t, I feel guilty of selfishness.

And frustrated, which later turns to anger.

But, I cannot direct my anger at my husband for listening to me when I imagine him too tired- that would be unfair.

I cannot direct my anger at myself for being too passive- that would require action and change.

So I get angry at myself for needing anything in the first place. 

And I take it out on myself, telling myself I shouldn’t need anything.  And I take it out on my kids, being irritable when they need gentleness.

He says, ” What do you need?  Just ask, I’m here for you.”

But I am too afraid.

Too afraid of being selfish for asking.

What if I ask for too much?  Would he resent me?  Would I be a bad woman?

On the other hand…

What if I admitted I had needs.  And let someone help me.

Would I be a better person?  Would I have more to give?  Could I be a better mom?  Or maybe I’d just be happier with no direct benefit to anyone else.

But what if meeting my needs means someone else has to sacrifice?  Would I become more selfish, demanding my own desires be met above others?  Would someone else go without?

I am more comfortable being the one sacrificing.  It feels more noble.  I have the illusion of being a generous, ‘good’ wife and mother. 

Instead of seeing myself as a timid frustrated woman in denial of desiring what I consider unnecessary.

But really, there are a lot of things I need and pretending I don’t won’t make them go away. 

Its ok not to be a robot 🙂

4 thoughts on “I have needs?

  1. dana says:

    Like you, I suffered for years from a malady I call “paralysis of analysis”. Sometimes women (it’s never men) “think too much”. Always worried that I would short change first one, then the other, I did much more harm by short-changing myself.

    • prairienymph says:

      Have you found the balance?

    • Disagree that only women think too much, but then I have too many “Venus” genes and Ella had too many “Mars” genes. I fretted over the same problem as you, PN, for years and I was wrong. If the other person is doing their best to make you happy because they find that exhilarating and you are doing your best to make the other happy because you find it exhilarating, then quit worrying over who is enjoying it the most. The kind of sex you see in porn movies only ALWAYS happens in porn movies. Unless you are Violet and Coffee. Do you read her blog?

      • prairienymph says:

        For sure, anyone can think too much if it isn’t what “they” are thinking. There were a few men burned during the witch hunt crock as well.

        Venus and Mars blech. We read a lot of marriage books from Christian sources and I constantly was identifying with the man’s side. So we decided that they just had such a narrow view of what it means to be a man or a woman that they were doing harm if people took them seriously.
        Maybe you should write an advice book 🙂
        Don’t know what kind of sex happens in porn movies. I’ve always preferred to play sports than watch them.
        I have occasionally read Violet’s blog. That is how I found Common Sense Athiest.

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