I really annoy myself.
I don’t know if its something I learned from my mom, an unfortunate part of femininity in our culture, or something that our church teachings fostered- but I am really good at disliking myself.
I can list off many negative qualities about myself. I used to journal them and pray for forgiveness. I remember constantly confessing certain ‘sins’ over and over, sometimes screaming out in agony trying to purge myself of the dirt of… being myself instead of someone else. I would have made such a penitent Catholic 🙂
Now its funny. “Forgive me Jesus because I kept my scarf on instead of giving it away to that person who was foolish enough to walk to school in a Canadian snowstorm without a toque”. (I asked for forgiveness for days over that one.)
“Forgive me for wanting to kiss that cute guy with red hair.” (no more guilt there!)
“Forgive me for being angry at the preacher for what he said.” (I’m getting angry again)
A few years ago my general contempt for myself slid into a deep loathing. I’ve climbed out of that.
But I still annoy myself! And I’m convinced that everyone else finds me the same way. So I remain as distant as possible while still craving affirmation.
In some ways I wish I was like my three year old and could just say what I want without feeling guilty for being so immature.
“Look at me! Clap for me!” See me. Accept me.
Or maybe, I just need to stop thinking about me 🙂
The root of the problem is that I am insecure and want to find affirmation through other people.
Asking god to forgive me for being imperfect hasn’t helped. Telling myself to stop it doesn’t seem to work. Believing that Jesus loved such a wretch as I probably made it worse.
Maybe I’ll go kiss a redhead.