I am terrible at making decisions.
I gather information and analyze. And analyze. And ask for advice. And then wait until the situation is no longer in my control so that if at all possible I don’t have to make a decision at all.
I’m now realizing that church teachings had an impact on me.
I got the idea that God’s will was a specific target that encompassed every small decision. I was responsible for being in submission at all times, down to the small details of what flavour of icecream to choose. God was just that involved.
If I made a wrong decision, it was sin.
Imagine the pressure I felt when I was trying to choose which career path to follow!
Not only did I have the responsibility of ascertaining God’s will for every decision, but I also had to be in submission to the elders of our church.
I was told specifically to consult with the elders before making decisions. Several times.
This sent the message to me that I was dangerous and needed to place myself under someone else’s guidance for my own good.
Why on earth would they tell this to someone who already doubted themselves? To someone who got panic attacks while shopping because it involved making decisions?
Why didn’t they tell this to the more headstrong, confident kids who did crazy things? I mean- I went to prayer meetings, not parties!
And then the next layer was that women had to be in submission to men. Granted, there were some people saying it was only wives to husbands, but the message was the same.
I find myself asking my husband for his advice on every small decision. What to make for supper, which time-slot to put our daughter in dance class, which books to read…
But now, its ok to make a mistake! Its not a sin, its a learning experience. If I ask for cherry icecream and don’t enjoy it, next time I’ll ask for raspberry instead of feeling guilty that I wasted money on cherry icecream.
If I try a certain career path and don’t enjoy it, I can change.
If eggplant curry isn’t the favourite, I can try something else.
I am free!