My sister-in-law’s wedding was directly opposite to mine in so many ways.
Her dress was elaborate, glitzy, and billowing. Mine was simple. My mother-in-law found it for $75 and altered it to fit.
She had an engagement party, a stagette, a few showers, a Hawaiian rehearsal party, and a gift opening. Each event had a different theme and everyone dressed up. I had a church shower and a bonfire the night before. I enjoyed both very much but secretly wanted a lingerie party only never told anyone.
Her wedding was lovely. The message was on the power of love. Our message was a 1950’s version of Good Housekeeping. As a concerned uncle pointed out after the service, we can always pay someone to cook and clean for us- it isn’t really essential to a marriage that I be the one doing those things. I didn’t realize that I could have a say in what the message would be.
My S-i-l wanted a stained glass church who would allow her own pastor to perform the ceremony. It took a while, but she got it.
I wanted only two things for our wedding: to stomp the wine glass and a dance. The first was due to the influence to some Jewish style weddings I’d been a part of. It was also kiboshed not by the church elder performing the ceremony, but by the ‘travelling ministries’ or the head guys who run our “non-denominational” international church. I never realized until now how autocratic that was for 20 or so men, many who didn’t know me, to decide how my wedding ceremony would run.
A dance was out of the question. I never brought it up.
Her theme was hot pink old Hollywood glam. Ostrich feathers on the tables- it looked like how I imagine a Los Vegas elite night club.
I, having been to so many more weddings overseas than in Canada, said I wanted an international style wedding. Meaning- simple with the focus on community and couplehood instead of the bride. It turned into an international themed wedding. We looked like a UN conference with the flags from Missions Fest hanging all over the walls. Somewhat appropriate as we got married on Earth day.
Her shoes were hot pink 4 inch stilettos. I went barefoot.
We learned that she is very sensitive to other people controlling her. Suggestions made to be helpful could be interpreted as trying to take over.
I learned that I designed my whole wedding mostly around pleasing other people. And I discovered later that (most) of them only wanted to please me.
She had to be in control. I felt I had no control.
Both of us were insecure.