Depression is starting to wriggle into my brain again. I haven’t had very many down days in a row for a long time. This past week my brain is falling into its old familiar habits of repeating all my failures. However, my list of ‘sins’ is shorter now.
- I’m annoying, I hate how I am always attracted to social justice issues and how I feel the need to inform other people. I see myself as preachy, annoying, a downer, and maybe guilt-tripping.
But then the part of me that doesn’t want to give up asks why I am so disgusted with myself for caring about social justice? Is that so bad? Maybe I’m just an awkward person who gives a shit but doesn’t know the best ways to make a positive change… that is forgiveable, right?
- I feel like I’m a whiner, that I frame myself as a victim and a helpless object that stuff just happens to. Why can’t I see myself as strong or capable? Why do I feel so guilty if I allow competence? Why do I feel safer viewing myself as passive? I don’t really like feeling sorry for myself, but the alternative seems frightening.
Again, can I give myself a break? Maybe if I stop focusing on my failures I could grow a little here.
- I tell myself that I’m not a good mom. I either spend too much time and attention on my kids, or I feel like I’m neglecting them. Either I’m feeling bad that my 5 year old wants me to wipe her bum or frustrated that my 2 year old doesn’t want me to and tries to run away.
Then I tell myself that the perfect mom does not exist. Its ok. My kids will be OK. I will be OK. http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2012/03/i-hate-the-mommy-wars.html#comment-8013
- I also question my right to be alive, to take up resources and space. What right do I have to be here? Have I earned my place?
Of course, I don’t question anyone else’s right to life. So, why do I belong in a different category?
I am dealing with these thoughts so much better than I did before! I will be OK.